Healing

It has been over three weeks since I posted anything here. Some people know by now, most didn't even know we were expecting a baby yet, but we lost the sweet baby boy we had hoped to meet in the fall just over three weeks ago.

It was a huge ordeal, with me ending up in the hospital for five days total. It was very hard on all of us, in lots of ways, but now we are healing, slowly but surely. Physically I am doing much better, Steve went back to school this week, leaving me alone with the girls for the first time. It went well, I am still being gentle with myself and taking it easy, but we are getting back to our usual routine. I am beyond thankful to be here with these people I love more than anything. Although I am heartbroken over the loss of this baby, more than I ever imagined possible, I am overjoyed to be here to mother my beautiful girls, to hold them in my arms and love them. I am so thankful to Steve for taking such good care of us all while I wasn't able to do it, and I'm so happy to still be with him on this journey we started together, this crazy, wild, beautiful life we are living.

These pictures are from the day we said goodbye to our baby. We planted some flowers in our garden, flowers that will come up every year and bloom beautifully at just about the time we will be remembering him. It felt so good to get my hands in the cool, damp dirt, to have all of us together working on the same thing, beginning to let our sad hearts heal. Penelope was amazing, dressing up beautifully and with a special hat too, all on her own. She was very involved in all the planting and watering. Violet was darling and oblivious to what we were really doing, only happy to dig in the dirt with her shovel and her family around her doing the same. And later that same day we went to the beach for a dinner picnic. I mostly sat on the sand and watched my happy, wild girls racing and shouting on the beach. It was wonderful for me to see them being so in the moment, just being alive and crazy and joyful. I am trying very hard to learn from them about being in the moment and not to dwell on what is already past. I have my moments of sadness and grief, and my moments of wonderful happiness, and really, that's life, isn't it? If you are lucky, that is. There is always sadness and grief, but if you are lucky there is wonderful happiness, people you love more than you can ever say, and people who love you back just as much. I am so very lucky, my wise four year old told me so. "Don't be too sad Mama, you are very lucky. Some mamas only have one child, some don't have any, you have two little girls to love" She is completely right, and I remind myself of her words every day. I am very lucky, very loved, and very happy to be here, living exactly the life I want to be living.